The Red Claw Bathtub: Those That Rescued Me and Rescuing Myself – My Abbreviated Story
Story Introduction: Sharing this story will possibly have consequences, which I am prepared for. This is not a quest for sympathy, attention, some sinister motive, or to vilify anyone. My call to action to you is at the end of my story. To write this story, I placed the song “Intro” by Alan Walker on a continuous loop and I invite you do the same as you read this. Sit down, immerse yourself as I welcome you into my story which is something that I rarely do. I needed a powerful song with no words or distractions to invoke the boy inside me to help write this…he has been hiding for a long time.
They say our past should not define us. Unfortunately, that is not the reality for me, and a bit utopian to say the least. My past very much defined me. This is merely an abbreviated story about me and my personal journey, based on my perceptions and recollections, so when you see, talk to or message me, YOU SEE ME…not through me or around me, but truly SEE ME and everything that goes with it. In order for this to happen, YOU need to feel my pain, sorrow, fear and anger which is paramount and sequential to my story and the absolute core of who I am today. There is no other way for this to genuinely happen and it needs to happen. I am at a point in my life where I need this, because every second of our lives matter. I miss my deep connections with people that truly matter, both new and old. There are a few people in my extended circle that need what I am sharing as well as others, even though they may not know it yet.
At this moment, I am emotionally exhausted, and I have been on the verge of a breaking point and I need a better support network in my life as I can’t keep these things inside anymore. Where does someone who appears so strong go when he is struggling? I have the reputation of having myself in order and in control. There are people all around me, but I feel so alone as things I intentionally forgot keep reemerging.
The catalyst for this story is Pride Month, True Colors United LGBT town hall at my place of employment, an enlightening conversation with my brother (Shawn) late last year (2018), and the recent passing of my mother’s sister Lynn in Rhode Island (March 22nd, 2018). Before I move into the items for Pride Month and why celebrating is an important cultural and necessary component of being an LGBT person, as well as sharing my personal struggles with this topic, it is important I become vulnerable and provide an earlier timeline of my past. As with most of us, our lives consist of many layers. My intent is to not give a play-by-play of my life, but to allow you in to see various elements of me before I work my way into relevant topics for Pride Month.
Patrick Smith
June 2019
Patrick@seeme-thinkofme.com
